Anxieties and Obsessions on a Day Off

So here I am, on a glorious day off work … back into the throws of anorexia (and a bit of bulimia tossed in).

I’m anxious. I’m obsessive. I’m unwell. I’m anxious about work – obviously I can’t let them know. I have to go in tomorrow and pretend that I’m an energetic, sane, and healthy woman. But I am worried …. I’m going to try hard to get back on track, y’all, but if you’ve struggled with anything like an ED, you know it’s a booger.

I slept most of the day and just didn’t feel very well, as is the usual when relapse happens.

Food Today

A big cucumber with S+P, a pat of bleu cheese, and ranch dressing.

A small bowl of spaghetti sauce (basically meat, onion, mushrooms, and Classico tomato basil sauce) with parm.

After waking up from a 5 hour nap, I managed to take Scotch on a long walk on a country road, and the little scamp had the time of his life getting muddy – so a bath was needed upon our arrival home.

Here’s to us fighting the good fight, my friends. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

~ Mandy

Internet is BACK + a Toot on the Bed

So I realize that y’all haven’t heard from me for like half a week. Why? BECAUSE INTERNET HAS BEEN DOWN!! 😦  😦 We finally got a guy from Suddenlink to come today …. after several days of being screwed over, I might add.

But all is well – we have the internet again.

A certain Tootle Loo has learned a new trick … jumping on the bed with us! Oh no!

Eats Today: Okay, so eating is a little hard for me right now. I had a small yogurt for breakfast, a peach for lunch, and a 200 calorie fruit tray for a snack.

Luke fed me dinner, which I did appreciate because it was healthy and tasty – a filet and an heirloom tomato with bleu cheese.

Til soon,

~ Mandy

Struggles with Bipolar Disorder I

Yeah. So my bipolar disorder has been out of control over the past four to five weeks. It’s been awful – the crying spells, the listlessness, the sobbing in the Express bathroom and back office to my poor husband who has to deal with me, the deep depression, the heavy exhaustion.

After little debate, I saw my psychiatrist, Dr. Jenkins, on Wednesday (yesterday). His staff is great about working me in when I’m manic, depressed, or mixed, so I’m grateful to them. I’m also grateful to have understanding management at Express – I warned them that I’m bipolar I, but this doesn’t seem to phase them.

Dr. Jenkins bumped up my Trintellix from 20 mg to 40 mg, and this is a medication that I tolerate well, so hopefully it’ll do the trick. I’m also going to be taking my Klonopin as needed and not 3 times a day. I’m praying this helps too.

Eats Lately ~

A cup of protein broth + V8 and a cucumber with garlic aioli.

A Caesar salad on garden mix from Frulatti. I really need to start bringing my own salads, however, because I’d like to know about how many calories I’m eating (as Mandy weighs 160 lbs and wants to get back to 135-140 lbs).

Fried dove (courtesy of the ranch!) with gravy and a Hatch Chile and cheese stuffed mushroom.

Three scrambled eggs with broccoli and a touch of leftover queso. This was an amazing breakfast, and I’d like to add different veggies into it!

After breakfast one morning, I took Mr. Scotch on a LONG walk – nearly an hour! He and I both needed to get out, especially since it was just 70 degrees this morning.

A vanilla Protein shake, courtesy of my hubs.

A farmhouse club sandwich from United.

Deer backstrap and eggs for breakfast … holy yum, Batman.

Roast beef sandwich with horseradish sauce.

Fashion News ~ I ordered some sale goodies from Free People – the Arlo Hiker Boot in White, and the Willamina Shirt Dress in the Tea Combo.

Interestingly, my qualms with Anthropologie are subsiding with this season’s offerings – I’m in love with several things, including this Luisetta Tiger Tunic (it shall be mine!).

And lastly for the night, here’s a picture of my little Tootle enjoying a bone! 🙂

Here’s to a positive work day tomorrow! I’ll try to do an update ASAP.

~ Mandy

Picking Myself Back Up

Hey guys. I’m still recovering from my “mini-relapse” into the ED world, but that’s okay. Recovery isn’t linear, although I think we all wish it was! So what to do? I guess just do my best. I’m still trying to lose about 20 lbs, but I want to the do the healthiest way possible. No thank you, eating disordered behavior, I do not need your help to succeed!

My meals may seem a little sparse today, but hey, it’s better than eating 300 calories a day.

Eats Today

My shopping haul ~

Breakfast – a Summer Edition United Kombucha (yummy, but I liked the spring one better) and a cup of vegan protein broth with a little extra salt (and coffee, but that doesn’t count).

Lunch – a cucumber with S+P and garlic aioli for dipping.

Pick-Me-Up at Work– a Well Yes Broccoli and Sweet Potato “sipping soup” …. loved this one, I can’t wait to try the cauliflower one.

Dinner with Luke at 12:00 a.m. – I  made husband mac and cheese fully intending to share with him …. the second I tasted it, I felt sick. Boo. Probably a little too rich for me right now.

Instead I made a quick stir fry, which tasted very good to my tummy. 🙂

Yesterday Scotch and I went to the vet for his last set of puppy shots, and unfortunately, there was much squalling and crying from my poor Bebe with the first two, which went into his upper legs (he also had a benedryl shot to keep him from having an allergic reaction like last time) The last shot was a quickie to the back given by our vet …. he didn’t mind that one, and he happily received a treat afterward, my little stinker. He was a bit drugged out from the benedryl in the car though, which was cute (pic on the right), and he took a nap once I brought him home.

A special egg treat was called for upon arriving home!

Now we’re off to the ranch this weekend for some work and some fun … I’ll do my best to take pictures!!

~ Mandy

Check In on a Sunday

Howdy guys. I’m just checking in today. We’re in the process of moving into our new place.

Eats

Breakfast – coffee and an Envy apple with PB.

Lunch – salad greens with hot refried beans and cheese with extra cumin, S+P.

Work Outfit – Free People One Adella Maxi Slip in Turquoise, Express Factory Outlet top (it’s on sale currently), and Free People Frankie Flatforms. I’m considering a pair in black because they’re so comfortable, pearl hair clip from Amazon.

Dinner – a Frulatti chicken Caesar salad with extra olives and onions on garden salad.

Moving Check In

The Living Room

The Kitchen

The Entryway (leading into the bathroom) ….

The Bathroom (leading into the closet) …..

The EPIC closet which can hold all of my clothes and more!

Our Bedroom (off the bathroom as well) …

The Bedroom also leads into the living room ….

…. aaaaand the Patio is off the living room (obviously it was raining here)!

I’ll do a post once we’re totally done!

~ Mandy

I Made Soup … Again. But This Time It’s Less Anorexic and More Health-a-Rific.

I’m down to 156 lbs, and I made veggie + bean soup again. The soup really has no rhyme or reason to be a soup, but it indeed turns into a delicious concoction after a little pouring and muttering on my part! I start with lots of minced garlic, add veggies to my heart’s desire, beans, V8, and THIS magical stuff from good ol’ Walmart – Vegan Protein Broth.

….. and it turns into the most beautiful soup I’ve ever seen.

I’ve been at it with some Free People refunds too, y’all, and I ordered these glorious shoes -they’re SO easy to walk in and are just fabulous! Winner! (Bonus is that they make me about 6’3″).

Since my last bag aka the Portland Distressed Messenger didn’t work out due to a defect, I’m looking forward to the arrival of a Caraa Cumulus Tote to use when I go to work (like I seriously enjoy onions on my salad, so I need a toothbrush and toothpaste when I go to work, and I need a place to put them). This cute bag is on super sale, and it’s adorable. I have high hopes.

And, my friends, if online shopping with E-credit isn’t fun enough (lol need I say more) … Luke and I saw our NEW APARTMENT for the FIRST TIME today!

Here’s me looking cross-eyed in the kitchen (alliteration much!) ….

…. and our fab new balcony which does *NOT* overlook a parking lot but rather a court yard! We’re still looking for a small table with two chairs (damn you Walmart and Home Depot, you have failed us!)…

… our new bathroom which opens from both the living room and the bedroom (great for guests if we choose, but we’re recluses so maybe not lol). We’re still trying to figure out where to put the cat box.

And our super fun living room with lots of angles – we’re gonna have to figure out Luke’s work bench.

And last but not least, our glorious CLOSET with enough from for MANDY’S CLOTHES!! Well, I have been culling my clothing brutally, and some of it’s in my mom’s garage … but I’m excited not to need a clothing rack.

Now, if you kids at home are reading, you know that the L + I have been together 11 years and have known each other 12. That’s INSANE. It feels like just yesterday that I met him, riding a rearing horse named Shiloh (bless you, sweet Shiloh). The years fly fast! It’s soon to be four apartments and two houses later. Love my man :).

To be continued …..

~ Mandy