So I Made Soup

I have not doing well. At all.

My eating disorder is coming back, and it’s hitting HARD.

My mood is growing more and more unstable, and it’s hitting HARD.

I made vegetable tomato soup tonight. It’s one of the few things I can stomach and not puke up. Yes, eating small cups of soup *is* restricting, but it’s better than eating nothing at all. It has kidney beans, lima beans, peas, a farmer’s market squash, corn, cabbage, carrots, tomato paste, veggie stock, and V8 in it. It’s pretty good with some S+P and some Parmesan shreds.

I’ve stopped wearing much makeup, especially on my eyes – I do just a swipe of mascara, and that’s it.  No more bright lipsticks, no more bright eye shadows …. I’m just feeling blah, and my makeup reflects this in a major way. Same with my hair – I’ve just been wearing my Zara chunky headbands with my long bangs pulled back.

Lately I’ve been struggling to be my cheerful, bubbly self at work. Work used to be something I enjoyed, now it’s a chore. I’ve been finding myself taking frequent “breaks” in the bathroom, not to relieve myself, but to just get away from it all for a minute. I tear up easily too. It’s frustrating because I’ve enjoyed working for Express from November until about the first of August …. and now THIS is happening.

Dr. Jenkins agreed today that I need to stop the klonopin as this all began when I started it on July 16th. I hope this helps, but today it’s sure made me tired to go off – I’ve taken two three hour naps because I’ve been so worn out.

My Toot-a-loo Scotch pup is one of the very few things that brings me joy right now. He’s teething, and he’s been chewing on a deer antler nonstop that my sweet sis gave him.

He’s also learned how to jump into my chair with me, and he jumps onto the couch with Luke when Luke’s gaming.

Our district manager is coming tomorrow, and y’all, that just exhausts me. (It’s possible that my job is about to change, but I cannot confirm this at this point). I hope I can pull myself together enough to seem fucking normal with good answers and a positive attitude (although we all know by now that the thought of me having a normal brain is laughable).

Positive thoughts, please … I could use them, especially tomorrow.

~ Mandy