Ebb and Flow

Hey guys. Welp, I’m struggling – I’m wrestling my ED behaviors and ANXIETY as of late, and I’m not quite sure what caused all of these old issues to flare up again …. my life feels like Spring Has Sprung and thus it’s time to become a general catastrophe in the mood department.

My life is literally ebbing and flowing – I flow at work, and then I ebb everywhere else. Perhaps I’m a bit manic? If so, it’s an agitated mania (not the “fun” kind), and it’s miserable. I plan on calling my psychiatrist’s office tomorrow and will attempt to explain what’s happening … but it’s so difficult to put what’s going on into words. My hydroxyzine seems to not be working very well anymore either, so my nervous energy is HIGH HIGH HIGH.

Food-wise, I’ve been eating less. Much less. And when I do eat, I have the extreme urge to vomit … it’s easier to just not eat right now. Today, for instance, all I’ve wanted has been coffee with Silk coconut milk. I’ve stopped bringing elaborate meals to work and have been sticking to one solitary piece of fruit to keep me sustained for my eight hour shifts.

Ugh, y’all. Ugh. It’s not something I’m very proud of.

Looking at Free People and Anthro’s pretties is a soothing pastime … here are a few choices from FP ~

The Emery Flatform

FP One Adella Slip

Thunderbird Oxford in Snake


I own two pairs of the Thunderbird Oxford, and I’m tempted to grab the snake pattern because they are COMFORTABLE shoes AND because they’re well made! (The Emery Flatform is tempting too because, well, it’s unique, but I’ve had trouble with the quality of  Jeffery Campbell shoes … ugh! decisions decisions!)

About Town Harem Pant

Amethyst Bralette

I have a $135 dollar return into Free People, so one or two of these goodies *may* find a way home with me!

Here’s hoping that I keep my shit together, you guys Here’s hoping. I’ll keep you updated.

~ Mandy


Down 10

Howdy friends! Soo I went to the eye doc last Thursday for a check up, and it turns out that I had a virus in my left eye … icky! I wore my glasses for a few days, but that was okay – I had eye drops to help with the inflammation, and my insurance paid for my entire doc visit and the prescriptions, so huzzah! (Miss Calliope wanted some cuddles, so I obliged!)

Okeeeey y’all, I came to a conclusion a few days ago ~ I’ve been eating waaaaay too much over the past few months (i.e. like over the last eight months-ish) and I need to tone down my portions as I’m losing weight (I’ve lost 10 lbs as of today). Indeed, there CAN be too much of a good thing when it comes to food! It’s all about the process of learning how to eat, however, and it’s interesting to come from a place of recovery (Center for Discovery in Bellevue, WA) into the real world! I’m now attempting to eat a little less, but not in a way of deprivation … so here we go with random meals ~


My breakfasts as of late usually consist of a piece of fruit or two, depending on how hungry I am feeling.


Lunch typically is eaten at work – I pack salads and sandwiches most of the time. Howev, we had Torchy’s Tacos one day while I was off, and it was a treat (if you read this blog regularly, you know that Luke and I are big fans of Torchy’s – it’s right by our apartment, and it’s like $23 for a queso and four tacos).


Clearly snacking to me = veggies and dip, consisting mainly of cucs.


In other fun news, hubs purchased a reloading kit for his workbench – love my happy hubby with his new toy!

Silly selfie with my muscular man!

And yes, I’ve been terrible about posting – it’s hard to have a full time job and post regularly, but I’d like to get a bit better at it. Fingers crossed!

Have a fab day, my friends!

~ Mandy

An Uninspired + Unexpected Sick Day

Hey guys, something really icky happened to me yesterday – I started vomiting around 2:00 in the morning, and it was awful …. I tried getting up for work – I showered, etc, but after more heaving, I called my bosses and told them I was too sick to do work (I HATE doing that because I’m usually a very dependable person). They were both super nice about it, however!

I fell back asleep and slept until about 11:30 when I woke up and had to dry heave once more. Luke also got me a Sprite, which tasted WONDERFUL!

While I slept, Caprica kept me company – here she is in her “thinking position”!

Breakfast, lunch and dinner were very uninspired – I ate them all very slowly, trying to test my stomach.

Breakfast – a Pink Lady apple and an orange.

Lunch (at 3:00 in the afternoon) – a chicken salad from United.

Dinner – at 8:30 pm. – a strawberry fields salad from United.

Annnnd then I proceeded to sleep the entire day away – no joke. Sickness SUCKS. Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow!

~ Mandy

Cardio Bunny

Howdy my friends! How are y’all doing? I’ve been busy with work, as is my new usual, but I had today off, which was lovely. Here we go with my eats and workout  ~

Breakfast – a pink lady apple with Tajin.

Lunch – Torchy’s Tacos! (Not healthy at all but damn good, and a treat on my day off!) We shared a Hillbilly Queso and each enjoyed two Trailer Park Tacos, Trashy!

Workout – I took an unexpected nap, which was probably due to starting to take my Hydroxzyine in the evening, a regimen which I started just yesterday. A bit grumpy, I drove to Pak to see Luke in my workout clothes, and he encouraged me to just get my ass to the gym … so I did! I did 1 hour on the elliptical and burned about 500 kcal or so (if you listen to the machine … I’m not sure I buy that I lose that many calories, but hey, the number makes me feel good).

I’m down about 5 lbs from my recent high weight, and I’m so thrilled!

Y’all. It’s AMAZING to do cardio without struggling with anorexia and bulimia …I felt just fantastic and embraced being a Cardio Bunny! I plan to do cardio on days when Luke and I can’t work out together – when we can, I’ll do weights with him. C, and cardio will help lean me out!

Dinner – a cucumber with Spike and some light dressing as an appetizer …. I roasted some broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, and Brussels sprouts and drizzled them with light dressing. ed

Alrighty, I’m off to get some rest as I open the store tomorrow! Here’s looking forward to some spring weather this week!

~ Mandy

Killer Workouts + Changing Courses

Hey guys! How are you today? I was tired for sure over Monday and Tuesday – Daylight Savings is a bitch, and I take back any chipper comments I made earlier about enjoying it.

Guess who’s been KILLING getting loyalty accounts and ESPECIALLY credit cards at work? THIS GIRL! Starting Monday to Thursday night (tonight) I’ve gotten 7 ENCC’s (Express Next Credit Cards). My secret is making the ENCC promotion sound like a short-time thing, a promotion that will go away soon (so people want to take advantage of it) and to mention the promotion to them as they shop, not when they get to the cash wrap.

I woke up to hit the gym on Monday, and OOH MY GOSH, I was too sore … I could barely walk. Ugh. That’s okay – I was on my feet all day today anyway with work, and since it was a rainy day today, it felt like a nice rest day.

I was so happy with myself before work on Monday too – I called and made three doctor’s appointments, which I tend to dread (I’m not a fan of the doctor, which is funny because my husband wants to be a PA). Since I’m a manager at Express, and our store manager creates the schedules for us four managers about a month in advance, I needed to get my dates in for my appointments – luckily my eye appointment falls on a day next week when I’m off (I’m almost out of contacts, plus I think my vision has changed a smidge).

On Tuesday, I simply slept in … it was raining, and while I set my alarm for a workout, I slept through it! :/ UGH.

On Wednesday, however, hubs and I did BACK … and then Thursday night after work, Luke and his friend Marc worked out arms and a bit of chest with me. 🙂


A banana with PB and coffee with cinnamon and almond milk.

One good ol’ plain banana!

… another banana with PB …

… and an apple with Tajin.


A honeycrisp apple with Tajin …

… and some roasted chicken with chicken dipping sauce and some red bell pepper and avocado with light Catalina.

A Boar’s Head turkey sandwich with broccoli, a few tomatoes, and some dressing.

… and a fried egg salad (it doesn’t look pretty but it was yummy!).


Cucumber with dressing and Kombucha!


Baked chicken breast with chicken dipping sauce (not too much, after all it’s about 150 kcal per 2 tbsp, which is a LOT), red bell pepper, broccoli, tomatoes, light dressing, and salsa.

A Frullati chicken pecan salad … let’s just say that I wasn’t a fan of this salad. 😦 Too much mayo in the chicken and the ranch dressing – YUCK … so I ate the greens. Icky.

And, of course, my favorite dinner (especially after a workout) = FILET with BLEU CHEESE

Interestingly, a development has occurred with my husband and his current degree plan in biology to become a Physician’s Assistant … he’s NOT happy or inspired with it, and he’s been struggling with a lot of stress and depression. His best friend (Marc, as previously mentioned) is a pre-med student who decided to switch to nursing in the fall, and Luke’s heavily considering switching his major to nursing – and to be honest, I think it’s a STELLAR idea. Why? Well …

…. many reasons. Becoming a P.A. is a daunting path and it’s SUPER competitive, especially for a white male like Luke; Luke was feeling the pressure of doing a ton of community service and keeping his grades tip top, all while working at Pak, and he’d been feeling pretty low and lost for a while.

Nursing school, however, is a bachelor’s degree … and Luke’s already half way done with the requirements due to basics and the biology degree. It has no silly requirements like community service, the program inundates the student into the nursing world through clinicals (you can even work at the hospital as a nursing student,) and it makes good money from the bachelor’s standpoint . If Luke wants to become a nurse anesthetist or something to the like, he can go back to school for a master’s or a doctorate once we’re more financially stable.  But no rush!

(And, as a bonus, I can finish my degree – I’m only 25 hours out from my General Studies with an Emphasis on English, and I plan on finishing once Luke has his bachelors!)

So that’s what’s been going on in the Martaus Household recently! Hope ya’ll have a nice day!

~ Mandy


A Reflection on My Epic Journey

Hey everyone and Happy Sunday (and Happy Spring Break)! Anyone out there besides me who’s enjoying the time change? No? Ha!

Obviously I had the weekend off because I’m posting frequently … my goal, however, is to post on the regular despite my job. I’m on the up and up from struggling with two eating disorders for nearly 20 years, a journey where I’ve had to retrain myself to eat, had to gain a little weight, etc in order to learn balance, and NOW the time is ripe for me to lose some chub and get muscular again. I’d like to document my journey on here, as it has been an EPIC journey so far, and I’m still hiking the winding path, only this part of the path is full of light, stability, and positivity. 🙂

Alrighty, here’s how my day went!

I merrily slept through breakfast this morning, but I made up for it over the course of the day.

Lunch – two eggs with salsa, broccoli, tomatoes, and yellow bell pepper with hummus and a bit of ranch. Coffee with almond milk (I’m switching from soy to almond b/c calories).

Afternoon Meal – an orange with Tajin and a Boar’s Head turkey wrap with dressing.

Persephone wanted some attention after I ate my meal, so I picked her up and cuddled …

And when Luke came home from seeing a friend, Caprica immediately climbed onto his chest and started rubbing his nose with her own, as she always does … she’s definitely Luke’s cat!

… and not to be left out, Calliope came rubbing on feet, so I picked her up – she wasn’t too thrilled, as you can tell, and I’m making a goofy face LMAO.

Luke and I hit the gym for an hour and did biceps and triceps.

At the gym, I complained about my ancient headset – I can’t wear earbuds very well with my Tragus piercing – and Luke surprised me by ordering this cordless rose gold headset …. I feel so spoiled!


Calliope decided to perch on the scratching post, and I caught her mid-jump and wide-eyed.


Dinner #1 – veg (red onion, carrots, broccoli, tomatoes, and orange bell pepper ) with 2 tbsp of hummus and about 2 tbsp of dressing.

Dinner #2 – a filet with bleu cheese, spinach, tomatoes, and dressing. My favorite bite of the day was the steak.

Here’s to a happier, healthier tomorrow, my friends!

~ Mandy