Struggles with Bipolar Disorder I

Yeah. So my bipolar disorder has been out of control over the past four to five weeks. It’s been awful – the crying spells, the listlessness, the sobbing in the Express bathroom and back office to my poor husband who has to deal with me, the deep depression, the heavy exhaustion.

After little debate, I saw my psychiatrist, Dr. Jenkins, on Wednesday (yesterday). His staff is great about working me in when I’m manic, depressed, or mixed, so I’m grateful to them. I’m also grateful to have understanding management at Express – I warned them that I’m bipolar I, but this doesn’t seem to phase them.

Dr. Jenkins bumped up my Trintellix from 20 mg to 40 mg, and this is a medication that I tolerate well, so hopefully it’ll do the trick. I’m also going to be taking my Klonopin as needed and not 3 times a day. I’m praying this helps too.

Eats Lately ~

A cup of protein broth + V8 and a cucumber with garlic aioli.

A Caesar salad on garden mix from Frulatti. I really need to start bringing my own salads, however, because I’d like to know about how many calories I’m eating (as Mandy weighs 160 lbs and wants to get back to 135-140 lbs).

Fried dove (courtesy of the ranch!) with gravy and a Hatch Chile and cheese stuffed mushroom.

Three scrambled eggs with broccoli and a touch of leftover queso. This was an amazing breakfast, and I’d like to add different veggies into it!

After breakfast one morning, I took Mr. Scotch on a LONG walk – nearly an hour! He and I both needed to get out, especially since it was just 70 degrees this morning.

A vanilla Protein shake, courtesy of my hubs.

A farmhouse club sandwich from United.

Deer backstrap and eggs for breakfast … holy yum, Batman.

Roast beef sandwich with horseradish sauce.

Fashion News ~ I ordered some sale goodies from Free People – the Arlo Hiker Boot in White, and the Willamina Shirt Dress in the Tea Combo.

Interestingly, my qualms with Anthropologie are subsiding with this season’s offerings – I’m in love with several things, including this Luisetta Tiger Tunic (it shall be mine!).

And lastly for the night, here’s a picture of my little Tootle enjoying a bone! 🙂

Here’s to a positive work day tomorrow! I’ll try to do an update ASAP.

~ Mandy

Picking Myself Back Up

Hey guys. I’m still recovering from my “mini-relapse” into the ED world, but that’s okay. Recovery isn’t linear, although I think we all wish it was! So what to do? I guess just do my best. I’m still trying to lose about 20 lbs, but I want to the do the healthiest way possible. No thank you, eating disordered behavior, I do not need your help to succeed!

My meals may seem a little sparse today, but hey, it’s better than eating 300 calories a day.

Eats Today

My shopping haul ~

Breakfast – a Summer Edition United Kombucha (yummy, but I liked the spring one better) and a cup of vegan protein broth with a little extra salt (and coffee, but that doesn’t count).

Lunch – a cucumber with S+P and garlic aioli for dipping.

Pick-Me-Up at Work– a Well Yes Broccoli and Sweet Potato “sipping soup” …. loved this one, I can’t wait to try the cauliflower one.

Dinner with Luke at 12:00 a.m. – I  made husband mac and cheese fully intending to share with him …. the second I tasted it, I felt sick. Boo. Probably a little too rich for me right now.

Instead I made a quick stir fry, which tasted very good to my tummy. 🙂

Yesterday Scotch and I went to the vet for his last set of puppy shots, and unfortunately, there was much squalling and crying from my poor Bebe with the first two, which went into his upper legs (he also had a benedryl shot to keep him from having an allergic reaction like last time) The last shot was a quickie to the back given by our vet …. he didn’t mind that one, and he happily received a treat afterward, my little stinker. He was a bit drugged out from the benedryl in the car though, which was cute (pic on the right), and he took a nap once I brought him home.

A special egg treat was called for upon arriving home!

Now we’re off to the ranch this weekend for some work and some fun … I’ll do my best to take pictures!!

~ Mandy

Check In on a Sunday

Howdy guys. I’m just checking in today. We’re in the process of moving into our new place.


Breakfast – coffee and an Envy apple with PB.

Lunch – salad greens with hot refried beans and cheese with extra cumin, S+P.

Work Outfit – Free People One Adella Maxi Slip in Turquoise, Express Factory Outlet top (it’s on sale currently), and Free People Frankie Flatforms. I’m considering a pair in black because they’re so comfortable, pearl hair clip from Amazon.

Dinner – a Frulatti chicken Caesar salad with extra olives and onions on garden salad.

Moving Check In

The Living Room

The Kitchen

The Entryway (leading into the bathroom) ….

The Bathroom (leading into the closet) …..

The EPIC closet which can hold all of my clothes and more!

Our Bedroom (off the bathroom as well) …

The Bedroom also leads into the living room ….

…. aaaaand the Patio is off the living room (obviously it was raining here)!

I’ll do a post once we’re totally done!

~ Mandy

I Made Soup … Again. But This Time It’s Less Anorexic and More Health-a-Rific.

I’m down to 156 lbs, and I made veggie + bean soup again. The soup really has no rhyme or reason to be a soup, but it indeed turns into a delicious concoction after a little pouring and muttering on my part! I start with lots of minced garlic, add veggies to my heart’s desire, beans, V8, and THIS magical stuff from good ol’ Walmart – Vegan Protein Broth.

….. and it turns into the most beautiful soup I’ve ever seen.

I’ve been at it with some Free People refunds too, y’all, and I ordered these glorious shoes -they’re SO easy to walk in and are just fabulous! Winner! (Bonus is that they make me about 6’3″).

Since my last bag aka the Portland Distressed Messenger didn’t work out due to a defect, I’m looking forward to the arrival of a Caraa Cumulus Tote to use when I go to work (like I seriously enjoy onions on my salad, so I need a toothbrush and toothpaste when I go to work, and I need a place to put them). This cute bag is on super sale, and it’s adorable. I have high hopes.

And, my friends, if online shopping with E-credit isn’t fun enough (lol need I say more) … Luke and I saw our NEW APARTMENT for the FIRST TIME today!

Here’s me looking cross-eyed in the kitchen (alliteration much!) ….

…. and our fab new balcony which does *NOT* overlook a parking lot but rather a court yard! We’re still looking for a small table with two chairs (damn you Walmart and Home Depot, you have failed us!)…

… our new bathroom which opens from both the living room and the bedroom (great for guests if we choose, but we’re recluses so maybe not lol). We’re still trying to figure out where to put the cat box.

And our super fun living room with lots of angles – we’re gonna have to figure out Luke’s work bench.

And last but not least, our glorious CLOSET with enough from for MANDY’S CLOTHES!! Well, I have been culling my clothing brutally, and some of it’s in my mom’s garage … but I’m excited not to need a clothing rack.

Now, if you kids at home are reading, you know that the L + I have been together 11 years and have known each other 12. That’s INSANE. It feels like just yesterday that I met him, riding a rearing horse named Shiloh (bless you, sweet Shiloh). The years fly fast! It’s soon to be four apartments and two houses later. Love my man :).

To be continued …..

~ Mandy

Subtraction = Normalcy

I have news.

I’m nearly back to normal after a month of a trial and error drug. This is a drug that I’ve been on before, and it helped me for years. I complained of anxiety to my doctor, and we decided to try it again after a year of being off it.

This time, however, I saw a marked difference in myself on this drug …. I began to drink heavily, and I was not myself. My ED also began to show again.

What drug is it? It’s klonopin aka clonazepam (the generic). After subtracting it from my regimen for a few days, I’m feeling free again.

I’m no longer drinking so much, my ED is calming down, I’m slowly getting back to my normal self. I’m walking my little dog again, I’m waiting up for my husband on nights when I’m off or am closing … I’m also contemplating returning to the gym to aid with my healthy weight loss.

Klonopin is not for me, y’all.

~ Mandy



So I Made Soup

I have not doing well. At all.

My eating disorder is coming back, and it’s hitting HARD.

My mood is growing more and more unstable, and it’s hitting HARD.

I made vegetable tomato soup tonight. It’s one of the few things I can stomach and not puke up. Yes, eating small cups of soup *is* restricting, but it’s better than eating nothing at all. It has kidney beans, lima beans, peas, a farmer’s market squash, corn, cabbage, carrots, tomato paste, veggie stock, and V8 in it. It’s pretty good with some S+P and some Parmesan shreds.

I’ve stopped wearing much makeup, especially on my eyes – I do just a swipe of mascara, and that’s it.  No more bright lipsticks, no more bright eye shadows …. I’m just feeling blah, and my makeup reflects this in a major way. Same with my hair – I’ve just been wearing my Zara chunky headbands with my long bangs pulled back.

Lately I’ve been struggling to be my cheerful, bubbly self at work. Work used to be something I enjoyed, now it’s a chore. I’ve been finding myself taking frequent “breaks” in the bathroom, not to relieve myself, but to just get away from it all for a minute. I tear up easily too. It’s frustrating because I’ve enjoyed working for Express from November until about the first of August …. and now THIS is happening.

Dr. Jenkins agreed today that I need to stop the klonopin as this all began when I started it on July 16th. I hope this helps, but today it’s sure made me tired to go off – I’ve taken two three hour naps because I’ve been so worn out.

My Toot-a-loo Scotch pup is one of the very few things that brings me joy right now. He’s teething, and he’s been chewing on a deer antler nonstop that my sweet sis gave him.

He’s also learned how to jump into my chair with me, and he jumps onto the couch with Luke when Luke’s gaming.

Our district manager is coming tomorrow, and y’all, that just exhausts me. (It’s possible that my job is about to change, but I cannot confirm this at this point). I hope I can pull myself together enough to seem fucking normal with good answers and a positive attitude (although we all know by now that the thought of me having a normal brain is laughable).

Positive thoughts, please … I could use them, especially tomorrow.

~ Mandy