Subtraction = Normalcy

I have news.

I’m nearly back to normal after a month of a trial and error drug. This is a drug that I’ve been on before, and it helped me for years. I complained of anxiety to my doctor, and we decided to try it again after a year of being off it.

This time, however, I saw a marked difference in myself on this drug …. I began to drink heavily, and I was not myself. My ED also began to show again.

What drug is it? It’s klonopin aka clonazepam (the generic). After subtracting it from my regimen for a few days, I’m feeling free again.

I’m no longer drinking so much, my ED is calming down, I’m slowly getting back to my normal self. I’m walking my little dog again, I’m waiting up for my husband on nights when I’m off or am closing … I’m also contemplating returning to the gym to aid with my healthy weight loss.

Klonopin is not for me, y’all.

~ Mandy



So I Made Soup

I have not doing well. At all.

My eating disorder is coming back, and it’s hitting HARD.

My mood is growing more and more unstable, and it’s hitting HARD.

I made vegetable tomato soup tonight. It’s one of the few things I can stomach and not puke up. Yes, eating small cups of soup *is* restricting, but it’s better than eating nothing at all. It has kidney beans, lima beans, peas, a farmer’s market squash, corn, cabbage, carrots, tomato paste, veggie stock, and V8 in it. It’s pretty good with some S+P and some Parmesan shreds.

I’ve stopped wearing much makeup, especially on my eyes – I do just a swipe of mascara, and that’s it.ย  No more bright lipsticks, no more bright eye shadows …. I’m just feeling blah, and my makeup reflects this in a major way. Same with my hair – I’ve just been wearing my Zara chunky headbands with my long bangs pulled back.

Lately I’ve been struggling to be my cheerful, bubbly self at work. Work used to be something I enjoyed, now it’s a chore. I’ve been finding myself taking frequent “breaks” in the bathroom, not to relieve myself, but to just get away from it all for a minute. I tear up easily too. It’s frustrating because I’ve enjoyed working for Express from November until about the first of August …. and now THIS is happening.

Dr. Jenkins agreed today that I need to stop the klonopin as this all began when I started it on July 16th. I hope this helps, but today it’s sure made me tired to go off – I’ve taken two three hour naps because I’ve been so worn out.

My Toot-a-loo Scotch pup is one of the very few things that brings me joy right now. He’s teething, and he’s been chewing on a deer antler nonstop that my sweet sis gave him.

He’s also learned how to jump into my chair with me, and he jumps onto the couch with Luke when Luke’s gaming.

Our district manager is coming tomorrow, and y’all, that just exhausts me. (It’s possible that my job is about to change, but I cannot confirm this at this point). I hope I can pull myself together enough to seem fucking normal with good answers and a positive attitude (although we all know by now that the thought of me having a normal brain is laughable).

Positive thoughts, please … I could use them, especially tomorrow.

~ Mandy

157 lbs and Trying to Lose a Few Ounces Each Day

Hey guys! I’m happy to report that I’m down to 157 lbs – I’ve lost 8 lbs since I weighed on the 5th. I’m super incentivized by this weight loss, so I’m keeping up what I’m doing!

And this is just my thought, but here it is – I think I’d be more apt to hit the gym (aka weightlifting) with vigor once I lose about 15 lbs. So, for now, I’m focusing on weight loss through food. And that’s fine! ๐Ÿ™‚

So here we go with my weekly eats!

My Eats on Wednesday

  • an Envy apple with Tajin
  • a chicken salad from Frulatti
  • a Farmhouse club from United


Thursday Eats

  • an egg and cheese croissant
  • a chicken salad without dressing (they forgot it, and I wasn’t going back for it since my break is short)
  • a turkey burger on greens and various veg with ketchup and cheese


My Eats on Fri-yay

  • United’s oatmeal bar
  • a New York wrap from United with fat free ranch
  • shrimp fajita salad with hatch chile and mango salsa


My Eats on Saturday

  • a cheeseburger and chili cheese fries from BurgerFi
  • homemade enchiladas (with rice instead of tortillas)
  • and a picture of me and Scotch because I didn’t have anything else that day ๐Ÿ™‚


Eats on Sunday

  • Tikka Marsala with veggies
  • spaghetti on top of salad greens
  • a Shiner light blonde beer


Eats on a Monday

  • Envy apple with Tajin (actually I took two bites and tossed it because it didn’t taste great) plus ACV shot
  • Boar’s Head Cobb salad with ranch
  • a Boar’s Head tuna sandwich
  • a dinner salad with a bit of cheese, light ranch, light raspberry dressing, and lettuce


Eats on a Tuesday

  • oatmeal with AVC shot
  • Chick-Fil-A salad
  • a giant T bone with bleu cheese …. holy crap, this was a treat!!!


Alrighty, that’s what has been going into my system for a week, and it appears to be working …. although I need to try to go lighter on the ranch dressing overall – I have an unopened light raspberry dressing that I’m gonna put in the fridge at work, so I can avoid more fattening options. Plus, light raspberry is delish!’

Now I leave you all with a picture of the precious Toot in my life …

….. and, of course, the #1 Fellow in my life who will always be my best friend and lover …. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Yes, we look dumb! But hot dayum I love my sexy 185 lb muscular man!!!!)

Happy Eating, friends! ๐Ÿ™‚

~ M

Daily Eats + New Ideas

Hey guys …. just popping in to share what I’ve been eating lately!

My current stats as of Monday the 5th:

  • Weight: 165.2 lbs

My Eats on Wednesday

  • an Envy apple
  • a Boar’s head salad with salsa and ranch
  • a salad from the United salad bar (plus a ginger kombucha)

My Eats on Thursday

  • Stir fry veggies with bacon ranch
  • an Envy apple
  • a chicken bacon sandwich

‘My Eats on Friday

  • two apricots
  • a chicken Caesar salad on garden mix from Frulatti
  • a hamburger topped with ketchup on ranch chopped salad.

My Eats on Saturday

  • a cucumber with light ranch
  • another Frulatti chicken Caesar salad on garden mix
  • a roast beef Boar’s Head sandwich

My Eats on Sunday

  • a blueberry yogurt parfait
  • my usual salad
  • Hatch Chile fajitas (I had two)

My Eats on Monday

  • an Envy apple
  • a turkey muffaletta from Jason’s deli
  • a hatch chile stuffed mushroom as an appetizer for dinner
  • filet with bleu cheese, a Greek salad, and a scotch

Okay y’all – so I’m going to attempt intermittent fasting – I want to fast 16 hours a day, and then eat all of my food in a period of 8 hours. Basically it means that I’ll skip breakfast and eat between 1-9, or if I’m working the night shift, it’ll be 5-12 am. Sounds good to me! ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ll keep up tabs on what I’m eating and when.

~ M

My Weighty Situation

So. First things first – it turns out I’m NOT attending WTAMU this fall. It’s a complicated issue, but I’m okay with it! Luke and I just agree at this point that it’s better for him to get his nursing B.A. before I get my General Studies degree. Why? Because, well, money. My *cough* loving father refuses to help us in any way despite being extremely wealthy – he cannot forgive past grievances, but truly, that’s his problem, not mine. So in theory, once Luke’s an R.N. he’ll be bringing in the bacon, we’ll be able to pay off some debt, and I’ll be able to finish my degree. It also helps that I just REALLY love my job and didn’t want to step down from Sales Lead. So that’s that.

Now onto the topic of this post: weight loss. I need to lose about 40 lbs (we don’t own a scale but I think I need to get one) to get down to 130 lbs or lower. To be frank, with my bipolar meds and long hours at work, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll workout consistently, so it’ll primarily be my DIET which helps me achieve my goals. I want to be healthy while I drop the pounds, but I also need to be very frequent with my diet (and I don’t use the term “diet” loosely as if to do some fad program and then stop it once I’ve hit my desired weight). I use the term “diet” as a lifestyle change.

How do I know that I need to lose weight,ย  you ask? MY CLOTHES. They are either very snug or don’t fit, period. Plus Luke and I had a conversation about how I’m getting bigger ๐Ÿ˜ฆ . If Luke says something, I know it’s seriously true, and I need to act.

Currently my measurements are:

  • Bust: 37
  • Waist: 35 (this sucks because a healthy woman should have a 34″ waist or less)
  • Hips: 39

What’s going to be different about this blog? It’s going to focus on weight loss and recipes. I’ll do my best to blog my meals each day too (probably along with copious amounts of pics of Scotch, Caprica, Persephone, Calliope, and even Drogo).

Oh, and how can I forget FASHION? I’m devoted to Express (where I work), but I’m also PASSIONATE about Free People. Anthropologie used to be my obsession, but Anthro’s been falling short over the past two years for me.

What I have on the way: Portland Distressed Messenger Bag.

Also the Shiny Oasis Midi Dress – I ordered a size small as the reviews say it runs a little big … to be honest, I really don’t need to be buying many clothes with my impending weight loss.

Therefore, I’ve my eye on accessories! These Zara headbands are super cute (like Jennifer Behr, only affordable!). I’d like to order one or two soon.

Here’s to a less weighty tomorrow with healthy choices, y’all!

~ M

Good News + A Blast from the Past

I have GREAT news! I appealed my tuition, and they’re letting me pay regular tuition, not the out of state charge! Hooray! I’m signed up for 14 hours.

One qualm I have about this? I’m afraid to step down from my job, primarily because I’m content and comfortable there at Express in my role of full time Sales Lead. Yes, I’d just be stepping down from management and be a regular associate again, but damn if we won’t be making as much money as we have been … I just have to stay positive and remember that if something is meant to work out, it’ll work out.

Now onto some very cool news ~ If you know me, I grew up singing and acting at our local conservatory – I adored singing the most and I excelled at it – here I am with my friend Sarah in Les Miserables … this was the first summer musical out of 15, and I sang the role of Fantine. Here are a few pics ~

But moving on – my old theater director, Linda, messaged me on Facebook, and she’s putting together a reunion concert for all of her Summer Musical kids – since I was Fantine in the first summer musical, Les Miserables, I qualify to sing in the concert! Who knows, maybe I’ll get to sing a solo or a duet! But if not, I’m happy to be in the chorus. ๐Ÿ™‚

The first meeting yesterday was FABULOUS – I got to give Linda and Mila (my pianist) giant hugs, and they kept insisting that I look wonderful. We talked about the logistics of everything, and everyone seemed super excited! I saw some wonderful old friends – Bo, Caleb, and Sam. They’re still hilarious after all these years!

The concert will occur next August (2020), and I’ll be sure to keep y’all informed! If you live in the Amarillo area, it’s not something to be missed!

~ M